Is it possible to survive holiday gatherings without intense arguments that leave close friends and family members feeling hurt and angry?
Yes, it is possible if you:
- Set boundaries ahead of time
- Make curiosity your focus.
- Seek out common ground
- Show that you’re listening.
- Be honest but not accusatory.
- Remain calm.
Politics and close relationships in 2024
During the holidays, we spend time with family and friends–those we love. Disagreements in close relationships are overcomable–even healthy–because they lead to communication, resolution, and trust. That’s not how it works anymore in 2024’s stormy social environment.
Research has shown that in countries with severe political polarization, political disagreement can suppress family gatherings, make conflict resolution unlikely, and even lead to estrangement (Kobayashi & Tse).
A new poll by the American Psychological Association found that the relationships of 1 in 3 Americans have been damaged by political opinions. 30% actively avoid family gatherings with those who don’t share their political beliefs.
Why do political beliefs cause fights?
Why do we react so emotionally when people don’t support our beliefs? It has to do with our body’s natural threat response.
Way back in humanity’s caveman days, our threat response was what kept us alive–often called the fight, flight, or freeze response. The only problem is, our bodies are terrible at distinguishing between a physical threat and an emotional threat (Dahl).
Let’s say your weird uncle (you know the one) makes an offhand comment about a political figure that completely goes against what you believe to be true. When we think our core beliefs are being threatened, our bodies go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. We do one of three things: Fight back, play dead by going silent, or run away by leaving the room or changing topic (Dahl).
Your biology turned your uncle into an enemy to be protected against. The question is, how can you fight biology? What steps can you take to make sure that this year’s holiday family gatherings don’t lead to the conflict and estrangement.
Avoiding political discussions
It may seem easier to avoid touchy topics completely. Sometimes it can be necessary if you want to make sure the holiday is fun for everyone. It’s not as simple as it seems, though. Research tells us that refusing to participate in these discussions leads to distance and dissatisfaction in the relationship (Palomares and Derman).
If you choose to avoid, set boundaries ahead of time
Although it can be uncomfortable in the moment, it is important to let people know beforehand that you would like to stay away from political discussions during holiday events. Simply side-stepping or walking away from a conversation without warning will damage your relationship by creating hurt and emotional distance (Cantor).
4 Tips for facing political disagreements in a healthy way
Focus on curiosity
Before entering into a political discussion, ask yourself, “What is my goal here?” Trying to convince someone to see things your way creates a divide where they feel the need to defend against you. People say things they don’t really believe when they are put on the defensive.
Instead, go in with a focus on curiosity. Ask questions. What is their opinion? Why do they feel that way? Showing interest in their thoughts has several benefits:
- They will feel cared for, which will strengthen your relationship.
- You will hear what they truly think instead of their emotional reaction to feeling attacked.
- As they are explaining their opinion to you, they are subconsciously re-thinking it. Ironically, not trying to change their mind has the highest odds of actually changing it.
Seek out common ground
Try to understand where the other person is coming from. There’s always common ground somewhere, even if you can only find it in the shared desire to make the world a better place. Discovering those shared beliefs will bring you closer together.
Show that you’re listening
Using active listening strategies will help them to know you care about what they have to say, even if you don’t agree. Lean forward, nod your head, maintain eye contact, don’t interrupt, paraphrase what they said, and ask questions. Studies have proven the effectiveness of active listening in making people feel understood (Weger).
Be honest but not accusatory
Be honest about your beliefs, but avoid ”the fact is” or “right and wrong” statements. Stick with “I think,” “I feel,” or “my opinion is.” When you get frustrated, instead of saying, “You’re making me angry,” or “You never listen to my opinions,” say, “When I hear you say that, I feel frustrated.” This method helps you to stay true to yourself, while keeping the relationship (Harris).
Remain calm
You may discover that your family member or friend’s beliefs are harmful. Mindfulness techniques can be a good way to avoid snapping and turning the event into a fight. Below are two you can try.
Just Breathe
When you feel that adrenaline beginning to buzz through your system and your emotions starting to rise, pause. Take some slow, deep breaths counting to 4 as you breathe in, holding for 7 and breathing out for 8. Research shows that this type of breathing triggers your body’s relaxation response, which keeps stress in check.
Do an inward scan
Check in with yourself. Are you tense anywhere? Is your heartbeat rapid? Name the emotions you are feeling. Observe all these things without labeling them as good or bad. Just noticing will help to calm and center you.
You’ve got this!
The 2024 holidays promise to be especially difficult due to the divisiveness of the recent election. Some of our loved ones can be somewhat… *ahem* loud about their opinions. However, don’t forget that the holidays are intended to be a time of love, joy, service, and togetherness. Embrace it!
By Krista Smith
References
American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Apa Poll: Future of nation, economy and presidential election top U.S. stressors. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2024/10/top-us-stressors
Cantor, C. (2021, September 12). Start setting boundaries with confidence. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-sex/202109/start-setting-boundaries-with-confidence
Dahl, C. (2021, November 11). 4 tips for managing family conflict this Thanksgiving. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/healthy-minds/202111/4-tips-for-managing-family-conflict-this-thanksgiving
de Richelieu, A. (n.d.). Men with Wine Glasses Talking. photograph. Retrieved November 18, 2024, from https://www.pexels.com/photo/men-with-wine-glasses-talking-4262177/.
Harris, M. (2023, July 5). How to survive political conversations over the Holidays. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/letters-from-your-therapist/202111/how-to-survive-political-conversations-over-the-holidays
Kobayashi, T., & Tse, C. H. (2021). How political disagreements undermine intrafamily communication: the case of the anti-extradition bill movement in Hong Kong. Chinese Journal of Communication, 15(3), 378–400. https://doi.org/10.1080/17544750.2021.1987283
Michalou, N. (2020). Family Celebrating Christmas Dinner While Taking Selfie. Pexels. photograph. Retrieved November 13, 2024, from https://www.pexels.com/photo/family-celebrating-christmas-dinner-while-taking-selfie-5778899/.
Palomares, N. A., & Derman, D. (2019). Topic Avoidance, Goal Understanding, and Relational Perceptions: Experimental Evidence. Communication Research, 46(6), 735-756. https://doi.org/10.1177/0093650216644649Weger, H., Castle Bell, G., Minei, E. M., & Robinson, M. C. (2014). The Relative Effectiveness of Active Listening in Initial Interactions. International Journal of Listening, 28(1), 13–31. https://doi.org/10.1080/10904018.2013.813234